Beware: You are about to read an entertaining approach to the concept of stimulated Raman adiabatic passage (STIRAP) applied to ultracold atoms. Here, the dating agency alkaLOVE uses STIRAP (which they claim stands for Stimulated Transfer Into Really Awesome Partnerships) to bring lonely ultracold atoms into happy molecular relationships. This happens with record success rates and in very short time. Here some of the key secrets of alkaLOVE's quantum two-step process are explained and the advantages of molecular life are highlighted.